Sixteen paper clown plates and nine matching cups sit on the kitchen table. I’ve got some balloons to blow up and a cake to buy. Addison dressed up for school in a smart white shirt (see how long that will last!) and walked holding his sister’s hand to the bus. Lucky me, I get to go and watch a special Mother’s Day performance at the kid’s school. When we return, it’ll be party time. Three years ago today, I reached out to touch the arm of my son. It felt funny. Even as drugged as I was from the emergency cesarean, I could tell something was different. The next time I awoke, I was told he had Down Syndrome. And so the ride began.

Addison will open his gifts. But I’m the one who got the big present. I am beginning to understand why I shed all the tears and worry and fear I felt in those first years. When any child arrives, the parents have a chance to say: O.k. I’m done being the selfish grown-up I’ve pegged myself to be, now it’s time to shed all that and be all that I can be. We’re drafted by the toughest army out there. The training is brutal and the mind games exhausting. With Addison it gets all mixed up. Though he speaks a few words all “jumbly” and garbled, he says more than I could ever hear. Though he doesn’t walk yet on his own, he’s taken me farther than I’ve ever traveled.

Last night, the nanny told me that on the third birthday the mood a child arises with in the morning will indicate what the rest of this life will be like. As I peeked over to Addison’s bed I felt like I was looking into a crystal ball. I want the past to be the past. Repeating painful lessons, which I seem to do over and over, is about as fun as dropping a hammer on each and every one of my toes. I want to be done with sleepless nights, hospital runs, bad relationships, petty thoughts, and putting off my soul’s desire for just one more year.

The bright sunlight lit up the room just enough so I could see Addison’s eyes staring back at me like a mouse peering from his nest. I tiptoed closer. He grabbed his feet and pulled them to his chest and smiled. He reached up and hugged me and snuggled next to my belly. I sang happy birthday to him and had a feeling it was going to be a very good life.